Saving your Marriage

Keeping things bottled up inside may not be good for your health. You’ve heard the saying, “I need to get this off my chest”. Well, the results are in and the studies show that people in healthy, open communication relationships do generally tend to have better health.

It seems that there is a definite connection between the state of your health and your relationship. If you are having communication problems in your relationship, now might be the time to learn how to develop a better line of communication with your partner. Your health may very well depend on it.

If you feel that the communication problems in your relationship are the fault of your partner and that you are listening and responding properly then you might want to re-evaluate things and look at it from a different perspective.

Maybe it isn’t entirely your partners fault. Sometimes it’s easy to see blame somewhere else when making a few changes about how you approach a discussion or disagreement could make all of the difference.

First, it’s important to make sure to keep yourself level headed and not let anger or emotions control the discussion. Keep things simple and focus on the problem at hand. It’s best to only bring up things in a manner which are not argumentative and that means not getting carried away with what you think or believe but what you know. Something that is a fact and can not be disputed. This way to you get right to the root of the problem and hopefully reach a mutually agreeable solution.

Second, make sure that you are actually listening to your partner. Too often, we become closed minded when we believe we are in the right. We are all individuals and as a result we all may see the exact same situation through different eyes and interpret things differently. Try and understand their point of view and look for areas that you can agree upon before moving to areas where there is disagreement. Even then, keep things level headed. The object of the discussion is to resolve the issue in a way where both parties feel that they’ve been involved in creating the solution; it’s not about proving who is right and who is wrong. There are no winners in those scenarios.

Third, reaching a mutually agreeable solution often involves give and take. Are you asking for things from your partner without offering anything in return? Even in business, it’s only when both parties feel they’ve walked away with something of equal value as what they’ve given does it feel like a positive transaction.

In conclusion, while it takes two parties to communicate effectively, it only takes one to get the process started off on a positive direction. You’ve heard the saying, “don’t fan the fire”. The same thing applies here. It may take some time if your partner is used to being in a combatant or defensive position during these discussions or arguments but it truly does take two to argue and with you taking the lead in having construction communication, they will follow your lead eventually.

This way you will get to have your say and “get things off your chest” while doing so in a way that can bring the two of you closer and move your relationship forward while helping to preserve your health in the process.

It’s easy to settle into a routine within your marriage. You get up, go to work, come home and then start the cycle over again the next day. You might not even be aware that there are troubles in your marriage. I mean, everything is going along exactly as it always as, right?

The trouble is that it is not uncommon for one spouse to be completely blindsided when they are served with papers for divorce. They just had absolutely no clue that their spouse was unhappy or maybe the signs were there but they just didn’t know what to watch for so they missed them.

Here are some signs that there may be problems in your relationship along with a little advice you can use to reconnect before it’s too late.

You never have meaningful conversations.

A good morning here, a kiss on the cheek there, maybe a little joking around now and again but if you find that you and your spouse aren’t connecting on a deeper, more intimate level then this could be leading to trouble.

What can you do about it?

Remember when the two of you would hold hands and go on a nice walk through the park, spend the day at the zoo or just sit at the beach and talk about anything and everything? This probably has a lot of what made the two of you fall in love in the first place. You knew everything about them, how they felt, what they wanted out of life, everything. It’s time to grab your partner by their hand and go for a nice long walk. Open up and encourage them to do the same. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the day to day grind while just taking everything for granted. Make the time to reconnect and fall in love over and over again.

Your partner shares their milestones with someone else.

There was probably a time when you were the first person they called to share the good news with when they got a raise, a promotion or even just a great parking space. Does it seem like you are now receiving news, good and bad, second or even third hand from her family members, friends or co-workers? If you are no longer the “go to” person then this is a sign that there has been a significant communication breakdown.

What can you do about it?

The next time you get some news, whether it is first or third hand, make that the most important thing of your day. If it’s good news, get excited, take them out to celebrate. Let them know how happy and proud you are of them. I’m sure at one point you did that anyway without having to be reminded. If the news is bad, be there for them. It is more important than the ball game on TV or the dinner in the oven. Those are the times when your spouse really does need you the most and you need to make sure you’re the one there to be their emotional support system.

In conclusion: There is nothing really new or eye opening here. It’s just what may be referred to in the business world as “getting back to basics”. Look back at the way things were when you were falling in love together and start falling in love all over again.

Is your marriage suffering because of a mid-life crisis? It’s normal for people to start questioning their position in life somewhere between the ages of  35 and 50 but sometimes this normal stage of our emotional development can lead to some adverse changes in personality and behavior which can in turn harm our marriage.

Here are some typical signs that you or your partner may be experiencing a mid-life crisis.

- Anxiety or boredom- Lack of sexual, physical or emotional intimacy- Significant changes in interests and personality- Infidelity

Other than infidelity, most times these behavior or interest changes can be quite benign such as your spouse deciding to hit the gym a few days a week or taking up rock climbing and will usually work themselves out on their own while, on the other hand, getting a Mohawk, tattoos and buying a Harley may be a sign of much deeper issues that may involve some work.

Other extreme behavioral signs that might signify a more severe case of mid-life crises could include…

- Unusual irritability or unprovoked anger- Excessive shopping, dieting, exercising or eating- Extramarital affairs- Sudden career dissatisfaction- Excessive alcohol or drug usage- Frequent daydreaming or excessive alone time desire- Unexplainable changes in libido- Depression or anxiety

While it is common for most people to experience mild symptoms of mid-life crises, the more serious symptoms may be symptomatic of deeper issues such as changing hormones, empty nest symptom, caring for an aging parent, losing a loved one and even having to come to terms with your own mortality.

If you recognize any of the signs above in you or your spouse and you feel that your marriage is suffering because of it, it may be time to seek professional help so that the root of the problem can be sought and counseling received to help work through it.

Have you been getting the feeling lately that things aren’t as perfect in your marriage as they once were? Maybe it seems like there really aren’t any problems but at the same time you just aren’t feeling the connection you once had or maybe you’ve noticed subtle changes in your spouses appearance or behavior that has you questioning if everything is really ok.

The longer you’ve been married the more natural it is to have settle into a comfort zone and while not spending every waking moment holding hands and whispering sweet nothings into each others ears doesn’t mean anything is wrong there are some signs that the bond you two once shared is not as strong or that the communication is broken and you are both just going through things day by day where everything is just comfortable like an old pair of sneakers.

Here are four signs to watch for to see if there may be a need to make some changes to revitalize your relationship and make it strong again.

1. Has your partner really let themselves go?

Remember when you would spend quite a bit of time going through your closet looking for just the right thing to wear and then more time in the shower and in front of the mirror? You really wanted to look your best for your special someone.

Well, things change, especially once the honeymoon period is over and it’s not unusual to let ourselves go a little. You know, wearing the sweats around the house when we’re just relaxing or maybe missing a day or two of shaving now and again but if you or your spouse seems to gone way beyond the normal in regards to making themselves look good for you or their hygiene is sub-par then this may be a sign that they’re not really happy and don’t care if they appeal to you or not.

2. Does your spouse avoid important discussions?

Whether they are critical issues or minor issues is a matter of opinion. If they are important to you but your spouse always seems to find a way to avoid having a discussion about it then this may be a sign that they are not interested in working together to find a solution or even worse, they just plain don’t care period and their just rolling along with the waves waiting for the boat to finally tip over.

3. Does your spouse bring up the same issues over and over?

If when trying to have a legitimate discussion with your spouse they continually bring up the same things and want to argue about that instead, that can be another sign of avoidance. It seems that there has already been a break in the communication at this point anyway because there’s obviously been no resolution to the previous issue. If you and your spouse are having serious communication problems it may be time to seek professional help if you want to make your marriage work.

4. Is intimacy infrequent or non-existent?

This is the thing that relationships start out with and build on. It’s what joins us as a couple and makes us as one. Declining physical relations is the major clue that your marriage could be heading for disaster yet it is often overlooked and kind of waived off with a number of excuses like… we’ve been really busy, age is kicking in, tired from work, etc…

If any of the above reminds you in any way of your marriage, you may want to try to initiate a conversation with your spouse about the current state of your marriage and voice your concerns. If they just start bringing up past issues, want to wait and talk during commercials or go into denial then it may be time to ask your partner if they want your marriage to work out and are they willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen and then seek outside help if necessary.

There are a number of benefits that come from being in a healthy marriage. Not only for you individually but also for your children if you have them. It is a fact that people in emotionally secure and happy relationships tend to be healthier and live longer on average and the kids of such marriages do better in school and tend to be better partners later in their life.

But maybe things don’t seem as wonderful as they once did; maybe the communication between you and your partner have diminished. Maybe the spark you once felt when you looked into each others eyes is just not there anymore.

Believe it or not, it is not uncommon for marriages to go through their ups and downs. People get busy, there is always something or somebody needing our time and attention and it gets increasingly more difficult to make time for your partner and to build on your relationship.

If for some reason or another you seem to be stuck in one of these down turns or things are getting progressively worse instead of better over time then it may be time to consider counseling. It should not be considered a sign of weakness to seek outside help, quite the contrary; it takes a strong person to recognize when they need help and then make the honest effort to work things out with the help of another.

Some things you can expect from marriage counseling.

You can expect to spend time exploring the reasons that you each feel are the problems in the marriage. If you listen well with an open heart and mind this can be very valuable as it often provides the clearest vision of the path necessary to make things better.

You can expect to spend time exploring what each partner feels are the strengths and weaknesses in the marriage. You may be surprised to find out that your spouse thinks things you felt were strong are not in their eyes and things you thought were weak, they may think is strong. This can help build the bridge of communication that has been slowly eroding so that the two of you are able to view things through each others eyes.

Of course it would not be marriage counseling if you did not receive clear instruction, tools and techniques to help improve the communication. Lack of communication often is the main catalyst for a deteriorating relationship. Part of this will include being able to understand your feeling and communicate them clearly to your spouse while being able to listen and actually hear what they are conveying to you.

In more complicated situations where there has been a violation of trust you can expect to spend time learning how to forgive. That’s a small word with significant meaning and one that is often the most elusive. The thing to remember is that if you are here, sitting where you are right now reading this and even more so if you seek out and obtain counseling, is that you must sincerely want things to work out. Doing this will involve really working at letting things go and starting anew.

Many couples choose to try and repair their marriage on their own first before seeking outside help. Whether you do that or straight to counseling, I find it encouraging that you love your spouse and value your marriage enough to try. Start out small by remembering the things that drew you together in the first place. Basically, they are still the same person somewhere inside you may just have to dig a little to find them and I wish you the best in your marriage and hope it works out for the best.