Whatever happens in your marriage relationship, or partnership, don’t see arguments as the cause of friction that can destroy what you have! Try and see them as the solution. They can be a positive force you can harness for change! The question to ask yourself is this one: “How should we deal with arguments so they don’t get out of control and cause hurt and anxiety to both of you?”
Some arguments, especially on more serious topics like sex or money, can be a real cause for concern – and they can damage the most stable of relationships – especially if they go unresolved. So it’s always good to develop strategies that turn them into opportunities to put matters right between you, rather than letting things fester and threaten your relationship to breaking point.
Sometimes, we just have to realize that any relationship, between two intelligent people can result in an argument on occasions. Even in the best of relationships, there will be disagreements and we won’t always see eye to eye. But remember this; it’s how we deal with arguments that counts, and not who ‘wins’ them!
It’s always so therapeutic do your very best to stop them from escalating to the point where your arguments get so out of control that they cause you both so much hurt that it affects every other aspect of your relationship!
To help yourselves solve the argument, think about what you can both do? There are a couple of practical things you can do when you find that you are getting into a heated discussion which seems like it’s moving towards a clash of opinions.
Firstly, stop talking yourself and listen. Keep calm. Do your best to not jump in when they are trying to have their say on what you are arguing about. Part of the solution is to take a more ‘laid back’ approach and use your ears rather than your mouth. You know that phrase: “We have two ears and one mouth, and we should use them in that proportion!”
Secondly, show ‘active’ listening. Pay attention by focusing on what they are saying and make sensitive eye contact. There is a very sound and powerful technique called “Rapid Repeat.”
This is how ‘rapid repeat’ works. Repeat their words in your mind, as they are speaking. Let’s assume your other half says something like; “You never put anything away, you always leave it to me, all the time, to do it for you!”
Now, as you hear the words being said, repeat them again, to yourself, and in your mind, in a ‘rapid repeat’ way – by repeating their words a couple of words behind them. It sounds a bit like an echo when you first try it, but using this technique will help you do two things; it will help you listen much more attentively to their point of view and will have the added benefit of stopping you interrupting what they are saying.
But, a word of warning! Whatever you do, please do not use this technique of ‘rapid repeat’ by saying their words out loud so they can hear you! The result may be a quick ’slap’ from your partner!! Only repeat them to yourself, in your mind. Remember it’s an ‘active listening’ technique and speaking their words aloud will probably make them think you’re being sarcastic!
By adopting this technique can be very powerful, so try and practice as much as you can. Even in ordinary conversations it can be a very powerful way of paying attention to what is being said to you.
Which brings me to the final, and very important point; does he, or she, have a genuine grievance with your behavior? Perhaps it’s true; maybe you don’t always put things away after you? So, your spouse, or partner, would be right wouldn’t they? You could try to respond accordingly with a sensitive and sincere apology: “You’re right and I’m really sorry. In future I really will try my best not to do that, and make more work for you.”
On the other hand, if they are prone to exaggeration on this issue then you can respond with a reasonable non-aggressive reply: “Well, that’s sometimes true. I’ll try harder to put things away after me, and I will try my best not to make work for you in future.”
Being empathetic is much better than taking the position that they are wrong isn’t it? Try this tactic and you will find it really takes the sting out of the situation for both of you.
So, what is the probable result? You’ve avoided a destructive argument and, at the same time, taken your share of the responsibility for not letting the argument develop into an ugly confrontation.
What you want to happen is to feel that neither of you have ‘lost’, and this should really improve your marriage relationship, or partnership. Doing your best to be in control of your emotions will definitely help. If you work on the techniques I’ve shown you, it won’t be long before you begin to see how much better things can be – for both you, and your partner!
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