Saving your Marriage

There probably should be classes in marriage that we take in school. Until recently, it was taken for granted that building a great marriage should be easy and natural. It is nothing of the kind. Suddenly, when we get married, there are a myriad of things to handle that we never expected.

That’s where expert advice really makes a difference. We need to learn how to build a powerful partnership with our spouse from someone we trust. When my husband and I did that, our relationship became easier and easier. After twelve years, we’re more in love than ever, and we find that working through problems and working together on projects is a simple harmonious process.

Here are the three biggest mistakes that we’ve learned to avoid in handling marriage problems:

Mistake #1 in Handling Marriage Problems: Imagining that the Problem is One Spouse’s Fault – No matter how convinced we are that we’re the correct party and that our spouse is dead wrong, this is not the case.

For example, my husband and I, who are both self-employed, were working on a business project together. After several months of pushing and prodding him to do the things I asked, I was fed up and convinced that he was lazy, self-centered, and just plain awful. I’m sure that some of you can relate. However, when I actually sat down and had a real talk with him, I realized that the project that we were working on was one that he had no hope for. Whenever he worked on it, he hated it and it stressed him out. He’d been trying to tell me that for months, but I just hadn’t understood how he felt.

When I realized how unpleasant it was for him to work on this project, we dropped it, just like that. He felt great and was ready to put energy into something else. And I was thrilled to have my enthusiastic, generous husband back.

In this situation, he felt like I was always nagging him, and I felt like he was lazy. Neither one was really the case. I was trying to help him and he was trying to make something work that he didn’t have any hope for. Had we stuck with the nagging/lazy story, we never would have moved on to something positive. We’d have remained stuck in the same old rut that many couples are stuck in.

Mistake #2 in Handling Marriage Problems: Having Discussions When You’re Both Upset or Not Having Discussions at All – The worst thing to do in a marriage is to be lazy about communicating with one another. Most problems can be headed off, or resolved simply by getting together and talking. Be careful to talk when you’re well-rested and not too upset. Sometimes, issues are upsetting, and there is no getting around talking about that issue when you’re angry, hurt, or frustrated. But in that case, make sure that you’re not hopping mad when you sit down to talk.

One of the things we’ve learned is to have a date night once a week. This can be a great time of reconnecting after a big week. My husband and I have date night on Friday nights to put the week behind us and enjoy time together. We’re lucky in that we have family to watch our child that night. But date night can be accomplished at home if you lack the means or opportunity to get out for a date. If you’re staying in, make sure that you spend time in another room than you’re used to. This will make this night seem different. In the summer time, it might be nice to just sit outside. Getting out of familiar surroundings is often a good catalyst for doing some good thinking and having a good talk.

Mistake #3 in Handling Marriage Problems: Using Being Afraid to Bring Up an Issue as an Excuse – Personally, I’ve done this many times and it always ends up badly. When I learned that being afraid of bringing up a difficult issue wasn’t a good enough excuse for ignoring it, I began to talk to my husband about difficult issues that I thought he’d be upset about.

Now, make no mistake. I’m no passive, fragile person. Most people think of me as very direct and no-nonsense. However, there were particular issues that I knew were upsetting to my husband, so I stopped bringing them up. I didn’t want to upset him further. But this always back-fired. Likewise, there were issues that my husband didn’t broach with me, either. So we had to practice bringing up things that we knew would be upsetting to the other. We did this by starting a conversation by saying, “I’m nervous to talk to you about this, but I’m going to anyway, because we really need to address it.”

It is amazing how those few words can help start off a conversation and allow for real communication. Give yourselves a chance. You might be surprised at how generous and creative you both can be.

Good luck!